Ash
- Sep 16, 2019
- 11 min read

To the person struggling with depression,

I know you.

I know that numbness that crept in.

It's like a chill that seeps into your bones, except this chill starts somewhere deep inside of you and is so much more profound. It sucks all the life and warmth and brightness out of every room.

And yet, the warmth is still there, you can see it in the eyes of other people, in their bright easy smiles but you can't feel it anymore.

You can see the sun from your cold glass box, but you can't touch it and whenever you reach for it, all your hands touch is cold hard glass that's getting colder and thicker by the minute.

One-way glass that allows you to see everyone else living their bright, shiny, happy lives, but keeps them from seeing what's really going on inside of you.

They don't see you dying inside, drowning, suffocating, screaming in agony, clawing at the walls.

But I hear you.

You think you're all alone. You know other people suffer from similar issues, but this darkness has got you thinking you're alone. Nobody understands. They don't get it. Even the people who say they get it...they have no clue how you feel, the thoughts that run through your head, what you've been put through, the numbness...they don't know the emptiness you feel. Or the gravity of it all.

See, there's something wrong with you. Something is broken inside. You don't fit. You're not good enough. You're worthless, unlovable, insecure, imperfect, ugly, hated, disgusting, etc. There's something seriously unavoidably unfixable about you...right? Maybe you did something or maybe you DIDN'T do something you should've done. Or maybe someone did something to you. Maybe you've just always known you're no good, maybe you've always been told that or maybe you're just starting to figure that out as you stumble your way through life. Any which way you slice it, it doesn't matter who takes the blame, you're the problem right? The common denominator.

Trust me, I know you.

I used to be just like you.

I lived in that cold glass box for a really long time, but I called it my tin man suit.

Cold hard exterior, expressionless on the outside and no matter how hard I tried to be like everyone else, no matter how hard I tried to smile and live like a normal person, I couldn’t because I was stuck in that stiff tin-man suit. A robot I had no control over. I was sad, I was angry, I hated myself and I had absolutely no clue why. Sometimes I could carve a smile out of that perpetual frown if I had enough strength, but it was never genuine, always lacking in warmth and truth and hope.

I hated my life.

I hated being that version of me.

I hated that I wasn't enough.

I hated that God left me there in my not-enoughness. That He allowed me to be broken in such a way.

That He created so much beauty in the world but just… not in me.

I felt like I was robbed but worse than that, my family was robbed.

The happy beautiful daughter my parents had, she went missing, she was snatched right in front of their eyes and all they had left was an empty shell that looked just like her but couldn’t measure up.

I've been there.

That abyss you can't seem to find your way out of, I know it well.

I lived there for 8 1/2 years.

Almost died there too.

And I remember it, I remember all of it.

The eventuality of failure, the crushing defeats, the lows that always stayed low and the grayness.

The way colors seem to fade away in your presence.

See, growing up for me was way different than it was for everyone else. I have never experienced or tasted the measure of hatred I had for myself before or since that time in my life, it was otherworldly and unreasonable. I used to think it was God, that what I was experiencing was actually His hatred for me and I mean, there’s no real cure for that. If God hates you then you’re just kinda the worst. But now I know that while it was coming from a spiritual being, it wasn’t coming from God but rather His opposite.

My parents used to call my depression “my attitude” because they had no idea what was really going on. My friends just thought I was super weird and a party-pooper. Strangers were confused and put off by me, extended family members were completely thrown off by my “personality”. I was very isolated and I convinced myself that I didn’t mind it, that I liked being alone, that I preferred it, when really I was desperate for love and attention and genuine care but I had no idea how to get it and I also didn’t feel like I deserved it. There were so many times I just wanted to tell someone what I was going through but I felt handcuffed and incapable of sharing. So, I kept it to myself and it festered and festered and manifested in suicide attempts.

I don’t think I even knew what I was searching for really.

Relief? Peace? Something better maybe.

I don’t really know but I was convinced that ending my life would just be better for everyone. I was never supposed to be here or at least that’s what I thought, that’s what the mirror told me, that’s what my mind said every waking hour, that’s what other people made me feel like. I was just all wrong and I couldn’t be “right”, I couldn’t be “normal”, I couldn’t be “enough”, and it was all my fault, so it was all over before it even began.

Now my story isn’t going to include some dramatic hospitalization or therapy session, some intervention that saved my life, because the reality is, I was alone. And that’s the scariest part of all of this, I really was all alone and nobody knew, nobody noticed the signs or reached out to me, nobody saw me. I wanted isolation and I got it, in the bathroom with my dad’s razor blades, passed out on the tile floor from starvation. Nobody came for me. There was no hero crashing through the doors, no dramatic movie moment where my family finds me and saves me. Nothing. No one. It seemed like I was invisible and doesn’t that just cement the whole “I’m worthless” mindset.

I know this isn’t the most uplifting thing you’ve read in a while and we could use some comic relief right about now, but I wanted to be transparent with you for a minute and share some of my life with you. Because I want to tell you something and I want to make sure you understand that I’m not looking down at you or speaking to you from a place of pity and sympathy, I want you to know that I’ve walked a mile in those shoes, I’ve walked a thousand miles in those shoes. And no, the paths we’ve walked are not the same but that monster you’re struggling with, that shadow that follows you around, he was the monkey on my back too and there is hope for you.

That darkness, that numbness, that pain and struggle, it's NOT who you are. You are not the sum of your mistakes, you're not the sum of your parts (broken as they may be). You're not your sin. You’re not what depression has labeled you or what the world expects of you. You are NOT unlovable or unfixable or broken beyond repair. You are NOT faulty or the cause of all the problems in your world. You are an intentional creation, something literally dreamed up in the imagination of God. And you are so desperately loved even though you can't feel it right now. I mean, you have no clue the love that awaits and anticipates you at every turn. The love that is constantly reaching for you in your imperfection, ready to grab you and yank you out of the shadows. He doesn't care if you're broken or a little banged up or the king of the misfit toys. He doesn't care if you've shouted obscenities at Him, hated Him, crossed the line too many times to count. He doesn't care if you've done bad things. He's not afraid of what's been done to you and how much it's messed you up. You're His number one choice, out of all the "perfect" people in the world, He stopped in His tracks for you. He's waiting for you! He chose you! In all your broken cynical hopelessness, He said "That one! That's the one I want!"

He knows you.

And this, this right here, you reading these words right now, this is Him telling you, "I know you. I know your hurt. I hear you screaming, I feel your pain. I see you breaking. I know your disqualifications. I know everything and I love you all the same! No matter the dirt underneath your fingernails, I love you with every breath you breathe and every single beat of your heart. That's me loving you into existence, every day, every time you wake up. THAT’S ME! Because although you don’t think you have a purpose or a point, I see your purpose and your potential and your beauty EVERYDAY and I make a down payment on it with every beat of your heart. Did you think that breath in your lungs was there by accident? Do you really think you‘re alive today just because that’s the way the world works, you sleep you wake? No! I’m the one who makes sure you wake up every morning. I‘m the one who breathes life into your lungs everyday! And I'm never far from you, I'm with you in the depths of despair. I'm right there with you, holding you. Keeping watch over you. And I know it hurts, I know that you're in pain and that you can't feel me right now but you're not alone and you've never been alone. I've got you child, lean on me. Rest in me. There's no judgement here. No condemnation or guilt or shame here. Just let me love you so I can heal you. Let me love you!"

If you're anything like me, you're probably thinking that those words, as lovely as they are, are not enough to combat the shadows you’re facing and the darkness you’re surrounded by. But the truth of the matter is there is nothing you could experience in this life that God isn’t prepared for and there is nothing bigger than your God. You belong to Him and He will fight for you against every enemy and every giant that comes your way because when the battle is too big for you, it’s because it isn’t your battle, it’s God’s! It wasn’t until I surrendered my battle to God and surrendered myself to Him that I found my way out. And by no means was it an instantaneous miracle. It was a process, I had to surrender to God at every turn. My life was not magically better, and I did not stop hating myself. I got discouraged a lot because I was exhausted in the process and sometimes, I failed. Sometimes I'd fall back into old habits, I'd listen to those voices that said I was worthless. Sometimes, I'd skip life and lay in bed all day, wallowing, but God didn't give up on me. He loved me every moment of my process and constantly took the time to remind me that process and progress are not synonymous with perfection. That every step towards Him, every little act of obedience, no matter how small was a step in the right direction. And if all I could offer Him was just my surrender (not even my fight or my grit or my strength, just surrender) than He could do the rest and split the difference.

Let’s be honest though, surrendering is no easy task. As a matter of fact, it can be really painful. Anyone who tells you it's easy probably hasn’t done it yet but the beautiful thing about the kind of healing and freedom God is offering you through your surrender, is that He already did most of the work and that healing is whole and complete. God doesn't do things halfway and when He takes you from darkness to light, when He takes you from carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders to flying, with nothing clinging to your back, He exceeds all expectations.

I’m living proof of that.

I’m living a life now I couldn’t have even dreamt of back then. A life I wouldn’t have even thought to wish for because it was so far-fetched, this joy so ridiculous and fictional it still shocks me sometimes. (No joke. One time, someone told me that I reminded them of sunshine because when I walked into the room I brought the sun with me and I cried, and not some pretty silent one-tear-down-your-cheek cry but a sobbing horrible sniveling mess of a cry because I heard God say “look how far I’ve brought you in such a short time”) And the funny thing is, I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet, like marriage and kids and a career I’m passionate about. I still have so much left in front of me and yet I’m in the “happily ever after” that my brain couldn’t even compute. So, if you’ve ever questioned whether this is really possible, whether you can make it out and be okay, I’m your evidence. I’m the living breathing truth of what God can do in your life. I’m the testimony. Please believe me when I say that even when you think it’s over, it’s not over until God says it is. He doesn't make mistakes and when He made you, He had BIG plans. He already wrote your story a long time ago, all you have to do is lean into Him and let Him take you to the dreams your dreams couldn’t even fathom. He did it for me so that I can be your witness and tell you with absolute certainty that He can do it for you too.

Depression is just a lie and an illusion and as crushing as it’s grip may feel, it is powerless against the hands of God and His grip on you. Don’t listen to that voice that’s telling you you're beyond reach and beyond comprehension because all it does is lie, that’s all it knows how to do. Listen to the voice of God in His word when He says “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” “For God so loved [you] that He gave His only begotten son for [you]“ because all THAT voice knows how to do is speak the truth. Find your encouragement and strength in Him and also know that it’s okay not to be okay. If you are a little broken (or a little more than a little broken, like myself), God is still with you, He hears you and He loves you.

But it would be negligent of me to not tell you the truth about this monster your facing and the fact that it’s not going to let you go that easy. It’s going to dig in deep and try to keep it’s claws locked on you. It’s going to try and convince you that I’m wrong, that no one can help you, not even God. It’s going to keep lying and keep trying to keep you stuck. So don't think for one second you are going to happen upon your freedom like finding a lucky penny on the street. You are going to have to get up and fight for it, you won't have to do it alone but you will have to fight for it. You are going to have to shout your beauty and value and worth when it whispers about your deepest fears and insecurities. You are going to have to kick and scream when it tries dragging you back into the darkness and into the numbness. You are going to have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and you'll have to dance and sing and laugh and smile even when you don’t feel like it, even when it’s not genuine, just keep doing it because you’re robbing the darkness of it’s power every time. And I promise you, one day those carved out smiles that took all your strength to put on will become an unbelievable contagious joy that you can’t get rid of. God will take every ounce you can give Him, every spec of fight and faith, every thing you’ve got left, even if it's minuscule, He will take it and use it to transform your life. So Fight back! With all your might! Even if today, all you can muster is a little whiff of rebellion in your mind, a little “I don’t believe you” in response to whatever lie the enemy is sending your way, fight! Fight for the future Christ died to give you. I know you’re tired, I know it’s hard but you have to fight because you’re already at war and you’re losing.You have to fight because it’s important, because YOU are important! So fight!

Signed

Your evidence

and sister in arms,

Ashley