A Glass Kingdom
Dear Me ,
Dear Me ,
There have been moments in my life where I have been given the incredible privilege of peering into someone else's thought-life (a friend sharing a journal entry, my mother sharing a letter she wrote my dad before they were married) and those moments have impacted my life so much in their sincerity and rawness and application to my own life. "Dear Me" is a new addition to this blog, it's a place where you will find letters written by me, to me and to other people in my life. The hope is that through this personal exchange you might find something worthwhile and impactful for you on your journey.
8/20
Dear one,
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You can always tell what someone’s priorities are by looking at their schedule.
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So, let me ask you something:
When you look at the schedule of your life right now, what do you think are God’s priorities for you in this season?
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Is His priority your healing and freedom, like it is for me? Is it more geared towards family and relationships? Is it understanding grace more fully so you can walk with confidence through life? Is it Him, is it about you learning to prioritize Him above all else? Is it your creative passions and pursuit of the talents He’s placed inside of you? Is it getting rid of insecurity and shame?
Seriously, think about it. When you look at your life right now and you look at the work God has been doing in it lately, what do you see? What is His priority concerning you?
The disciples didn’t understand when Jesus stopped to cast out demons on His way to an appointment. They didn’t understand when Jesus stopped on the way to HEAL A CHILD who was on the brink of death-- they didn't get why he paused to turn around and speak to an outcast, a sick and ailing woman who touched His clothing while that child literally died. They didn’t understand when Jesus ate with sinners. They didn’t understand that this was ALWAYS the plan, that none of these people escaped His notice, that He knew who touched His cloak before she even plucked up the courage to get up that morning and run after Him. He walked that way for her. He walked certain roads that seemed peculiar and out of the way because He had divine appointments on those roads. The roads everybody else refused or didn’t even think to walk. His priorities didn’t line up with His disciples' idea of what His priorities should be or the Pharisees' ideas or the Jewish peoples ideas.
God’s priorities for your life right now may not fit into your timeline or your idea of what His priorities should be but know this, He walked this way for you. There is an EPIC plan and this is all working together for your ultimate good.
I mean honestly, I expected to have graduated from college by now. I was expecting to have a job by now doing something I love. To have traveled and studied abroad, to have joined the peace corps possibly, to be living in my own apartment or house in some other state or country working out of my passion for the kingdom of God. That was my timeline, those were my priorities and what I thought God wanted for me and what I thought He should prioritize. And I still think He wants those things for me but I also think He’s saying,
“Some things are broken, let me fix them. Some things have been stolen, let me restore them to you. Some scars haven’t fully healed yet, be patient. I want to take you to all those things you dream and desire that I put on your heart but patience child. Let me work on you first before I start working through you in such extreme measure. Let me hold you while you grieve. Let me strengthen you where you’ve been weakened. Let me tell you about yourself and about who you really are and who you can truly be with me so you can walk with the kind of confidence everybody searches for but only my truth can give.”
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That’s what I hear God saying to YOU today,
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“Your timeline and your priorities are not wrong per se, they just aren’t mine right now. You are my priority right now, more so than what I want from you or want to do through you. Right now, it’s just you and me, the way it needs to be.”
Friend, you can tell what God wants for you by looking at the schedule. You can see what is important to God by looking at the divine intervention and appointments He has placed in front of you.Maybe you don’t understand why you are where you’re at-- maybe the enemy sent a storm your way and you are struggling through a battle right now but look at Gods focus.
Where are His eyes right now? Are His eyes on the storm, the other side of the battle or are they on you? What is He doing in the middle of this battle? What has He been changing in you and showing you? He may not have sent the storm your way, that pain and struggle wasn’t sourced from His presence but He’s using it to make moves in your life. He has a plan, He’s on a schedule, look at what His priorities are for you in this season. Take note that this path you're on is not purposeless because God has authored purpose along this road. You may be someone's good Samaritan, you may be the woman with the issue of blood, you may be the outcast who has struggled with some sort of sin or darkness your whole life and God is using this time to break that stronghold and those chains. He walked this way for you because you have and will always be His top priority, the apple of His eye. And you matter to Him, YOU are His whole agenda. Yes, He has big plans for your life and for your future and for the future of His kingdom but He also just all-consuming loves you. He wants you to be free, to be whole, to find true joy, to walk with confidence and grace through this world assured of your identity and your purpose. Know that. Believe that. No matter what is plaguing you right now, God's purpose will ALWAYS prevail and His will WILL BE DONE!
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Signed,
Your good friend
Past Letters :
7/19
Dear me,
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I have so much grace and love and respect for other people but when it comes to YOU….
it would seem that I have none.
For some reason, it is so easy for me to look at someone else going through the same situation as you, struggling with the same issues you’re dealing with and failing miserably in the same areas, and love them without question.
It is so easy for me to encourage and uplift every other human being alive, EXCEPT the human being I see in the mirror everyday.
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I can’t even pray for you.
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You’re not even someone I care enough about to put on my prayer list and when I try to pray for you, I feel like I’m actually doing something wrong, like I’m being selfish.
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How messed up is that?
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I don’t even think I know where to begin when it comes to loving you and I’m so sorry for that.
I’m sorry that I keep adding to your pain by refusing to see your worth and your beauty no matter what your heavenly father tells me.
I’m sorry that I keep believing the lies the world shouts at you and treating you like the dirt beneath my shoe.
I’m sorry that I keep letting your past inform your present and your future.
I’m so so sorry for the way I disrespect you and the way I discourage you with my penchant for comparison and competition.
I’m sorry for feeding my flesh and hurting your spirit so deeply, in ways I’m sure I have yet to uncover.
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Beautiful soul of mine, I need to ask for your forgiveness for the time and dignity that I’ve cost you. The time that was wasted in insecurity and self-loathing.
I need to ask for your forgiveness for the 200 ton weight of perfectionism that I’ve made you carry for so long. For the already healed wounds that I painfully scratched back open.
Please forgive me for seeing nothing but flaws and mistakes and problems whenever I look at you. For not loving you enough to care about your mental health and overall wellbeing when it mattered most. For blaming you for the things you have no control over and for doing you a disservice by not taking responsibility for the things you do have control over.
I am so sorry for the judgement and the condemnation and the words that I spoke over you so carelessly.
Words that I wouldn’t even say to my worst enemy.
I expected the world from you at ALL times and in ALL circumstances, with absolutely no patience for your growth, no respect for your journey and no tolerance for weakness.
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And I’m sorry.
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I owe you a lifetime of apologies and honestly, these words just aren’t enough.
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So I’ll make you a promise.
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I promise that for the rest of my life I will fight for you.
We are definitely a work in progress but I promise that from now on I will respect the process.
I promise to love you not because of the things you do right but because you are worthy of that love and because you are God’s dream wrapped up in flesh and bone.
Because you are a wonderful light that reflects your heavenly father.
Because your mistakes don’t disqualify you and because God loves you so much more than you think He does, so much more than you can comprehend. And if HE can love you THAT much, I can love you too.
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You are strong and amazing and talented and blessed beyond measure. And I’m struggling to say that, even now, because it feels prideful and selfish but I have to learn how to love you and how to see you through God’s eyes. I have to accept what He says about you, your identity as it is defined in Him. And He says all of that about you and so much more.
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So I promise to stop measuring you according to impossible standards and instead remind you that the impossible standard was already met and He made being you and loving you, just as you are, possible.
And it’s His power that gives you the strength to be an even better and stronger you.
Now, I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes.
I can’t promise that this is going to be easy because I can already tell it’s going to be a battle.
But I can promise that it will be worth it because I know that if I can learn to love myself and see myself through God’s eyes, there is nothing that could hold me back or keep me from the things that God has for me.
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Signed,
Yours Truly
1/19
Dear God,
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I know I’m failing you. Try as I might, I know I’m failing this test.
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You promised me the other side, you said I would make it through this storm and some days I believe that and I hold onto that because it’s all I have. The doctors aren’t helping me, the specialists don’t seem to have a clue or a care and it’s in those moments I cling to that promise. White-nuckled grip, fingers bleeding, hanging on for dear life because I only have this one life and I’m not done yet. You said that I wasn’t done yet. You told me you have plans for me, that there is more to be done, that there is a man out there I’m going to marry, people’s lives I’m going to touch, music still to be written you haven’t sung to my heart yet. I believe that. Most days. But then there are some days when I catch myself doubting that it was your voice that I heard, I catch myself thinking that maybe it was just wishful thinking, a coping mechanism. Maybe I just said that to myself because I was scared and my time is actually up, my number is being called. And then I get scared all over again. I’m so young and there’s so much left I want to do, so much I haven’t done, so many people I haven’t met yet. I’m not ready to come home yet. I love you Lord, I do, but I’m not ready yet.
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Please don’t take me yet.
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Please God, let that be land I’m seeing through the fog and not just a figment of my imagination, I know I’m supposed to make it through this storm—I know I’m going to make it through this storm but I’m sorry,
I’m still scared.
I know that probably means I don’t trust you like I said, or that my faith isn’t as strong as it should be but God, I don’t know how to help myself. I’ve felt you helping me along the way but I feel like I’ve failed you so much that maybe you’ve just deemed my case a lost cause.
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Even as I say that the taste in my mouth tells me that’s not true.
God, I guess what I’m saying, for the millionth time, is that I need you. I need some light in the midst of this darkness. You got a flashlight up there I can borrow? Maybe a star you could loan me?
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I'm sorry I don’t spend as much time with you as I should, I’m sorry I can’t feel you as much as I used to, I'm sorry I have to keep saying "I'm sorry" and I’m sorry I’m just not enough right now but God, I really need you to make up the distance. I don’t know if my legs can carry me any further but I need you, so can you please close the distance.
Please God, I don’t need a miracle right now. I just need some hope. Some real hope I can cling to. I’m in a battle, literally, for my life and I just need to know you’re with me. That the Lion of Judah is standing over me roaring and making my enemies flee. I’m not strong, I pretend to be and maybe I’m stronger than I think and maybe that’s part of what you’re teaching me right now but I don’t feel strong. I feel like I'm losing myself.
Maybe that's all a part of the process, I don’t know. It’s just a little terrifying Lord, losing yourself like this and at the same time not knowing if you’re going to wake up tomorrow or what’s wrong with you.
There’s like a wall, a cinderblock wall, between my brain and my emotions.
Sometimes I don’t feel anything when I should and then sometimes I feel everything and it’s too much. God, please help me.
I don’t want to pray something like “God I want to see you” because I'm not sure I can face you right now. Also, if we're being brutally honest here, I'm a little fearful of you, Is that bad? It's not the kind of fear you feel when you think of a monster whose going to gobble you up but more like I'm fearful of your holiness, scared that you’ll take one look at me and turn around or worse, that you won’t even be able to look at me at all because my heart is so dark.
I know, I know, there’s light in me. I know your grace covers everything and these are just the worried rantings of an anxious venting soul. I know that a year from now I’ll probably look back and think “What was I even worried about”. But today…today Is hard. Today it hurts. Today it’s confusing. Today I can’t breathe and it’s paralyzing. Today I need you and I believe you're the God of my "todays".
No one else knows what’s going on with me like you. No doctor, no parent, no friend can do what you can do Lord.
You promised me that I’d make it to the other side of this storm, I’m still holding onto that. I choose to believe that above all else. I choose to cling to that promise above all else. You said you'd never leave me nor forsake me and you also said you’d never let me down because you are faithful,
I believe that about you.
So I choose you, over the fear, over the anxiety, over the physical pain and suffering. I choose you God, everyday and in every way.
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Your daughter