Perfect Suffering

Photo credit: Isabella Mariana

This past year I was diagnosed (rather sluggishly, I might add) with a rare heart condition. It has no cure and apparently no cause, it just happens and it “just happened” to me. It’s been a really long agonizing process working out a course of treatment for the symptoms and finding some medications that don’t cause more problems than they solve (which we still haven’t figured out yet by the way) and during this process I’ve learned something very interesting about myself.

(You know when you learn things about yourself you weren’t really trying to learn but God decides to educate you anyway, well that’s this.)

Over the past year, I’ve learned that I have wildly huge expectations of myself, at all times and in all circumstances. I thought that maybe I'd cut myself some slack in the midst of my current health situation but NOPE. Not in the slightest. In fact, for some reason, that escapes me at the moment, I raised my expectations severely.

See, I had this crazy idea that I needed to suffer perfectly. That as a Christian it was my job to radiate light and love and joy in the midst of my darkest hour, that it was what God expected of me. I wanted people to look at me in my darkest moments, in my pain and suffering and see God. I wanted them to see someone that defied the world’s expectations, that wasn't hopeless or unhappy but had joy in the midst of sorrow. Someone strange and curious, someone remarkable. I wanted them to be astonished by my positivity and joy and when I felt like that didn't happen, when I had a bad day in front of someone, I felt like a failure. I felt like God was disappointed in me. I was disappointed in me and I had to learn that those sort of expectations, while seemingly admirable, are completely messed up.

The Bible does say that we should look different than others in our suffering because we have a hope unlike any other and our faith is in God. It's the reason Paul was able to praise God from his prison cell. But it's not some perfectionist Christian cliché, it's not something you do or don't do, it's actually what GOD DOES in you that produces that joy. It is a symptom of a greater act. It is His grace and His love alive inside of you that causes you to rejoice and to sing and to worship and praise. It has nothing to do with WHO YOU ARE in the middle of your storm but rather, WHO HE IS.

I didn't get it.

I didn't get it until one day when I was reading my Bible and the Holy Spirit reminded me about Jesus's suffering. At first, I thought He was going to point out Jesus's perfection and how joyful and light He was in His own suffering but He didn't. I was bracing myself for a rebuke but there was no chastising or accusations. Instead, the Holy Spirit reminded me of the time Jesus went up to the mountain top to pray, when He asked the disciples to watch and pray but they fell asleep. He reminded me of the account of what happened in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus sweat blood and asked God to take away His suffering, if at all possible. There wasn't joy or positivity in that moment, there was deep anguish. When Jesus went to pray, He was going to speak to His father out of necessity because He needed His father, because He knew what was coming and He wasn't worried about impressing others or making sure His disciples saw how light and free and joyful He was. He needed God and that was His focus, that was His aim.

The Last supper didn't seem like a joyful affair to me either (although I could be wrong) it seemed like a serious and intentional time between a man sentenced to death and the people He loved. And in His suffering, carrying the cross, while He was spat on by the very people He was dying to save, there was no laughter or joking around or “positive vibes only”. This man was broken, our king was destroyed and yet in His pain, in His tears, in Him crying out to God "Forgive them for they know not what they do", in the vinegar and the thorns, in the immense suffering He endured on our behalf, He honored God with every tear and every labored breath.

Through this season of my life I'm learning that there are many ways to honor God in the midst of your pain and it won't always look like dancing in a prison cell or rejoicing at your crucifixion. It won’t always be bright smiles and carefully crafted responses. I'm not saying that there isn't an incredible amount of godliness in being able to rejoice in the midst of your pain and suffering but I feel like that's only part of the story and if we only tell people part of the truth, we're lying.

We need to recognize that God is gracious and He cares about our pain. He suffers when we suffer because His heart is tethered to ours.

So cut yourself some slack. Stop expecting perfection from yourself. What even is that, perfect suffering? What a completely delusional idea. (That's probably why it was my natural inclination. If it's crazy and makes zero sense, I'm all over it) You don’t need to have it all together all the time, God does not expect that of you and your pain and suffering doesn’t separate you from Him either. God is not a “positive vibes only” God. His name is healer and you know what that means? It means that He’s the kind of God who meets the broken and sick in their suffering. It means that He will meet you right where you are at. It means you can come to church even on your bad days. It means you can enter into the presence of God anytime you need some comfort or some strength because He wants to be all of that and more for you. It means that you don’t need to hide your real feelings or raw emotions from Him and you can come to Him just as you are. Even if your doubting Him, even if you can’t find any light or joy or positivity in your situation, even if you’re depressed. He wants you to be open and transparent about whatever it is you’re struggling with so He can come alongside you and hold you and carry you.

That's where the joy in the midst of suffering really comes from! It's not some manufactured "I'm always blessed" "too blessed to be stressed" line on a T-Shirt but a genuine response to the overwhelming love and grace and care of an almighty God and father who stripped Himself down to be everything you need and more. It’s a reaction to the healer meeting you in your brokenness, in your sickly state and bringing you comfort and strength and healing and hope. That rejoicing people talk about, that happens as a result of being carried, it's tears of relief because your shelter in the storm came running to you and is holding you now. It's peace coming from the rest you experience knowing that the Lion of Judah is fighting for you so you don't have to fight anymore. It’s the reality of the hope that you have knowing that no matter how this life turns out, no matter how deep the valleys get, there’s a promise awaiting you, a love anticipating you and a future with God that is guaranteed.

Doesn't that sound so much better? Isn’t that so much easier?

You don't have to pretend that everything is “just peachy” all the time. You don’t have to act like it doesn’t hurt or make excuses. You don’t have to try so hard to be a light in the darkness because, just in case you didn’t know this, you already are! And it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the light of the world living inside of you.

It is His love in the midst of your darkness, in the middle of your storm, that will light your way. It is the experience of being loved just as you are that produces that light and that joy that radiates from within you. Not your spotless church attendance record or any effort you put into being a “good Christian”. It’s the love of God that changes you and impacts your response to the situations at hand.

(If you look up any of the scriptures where it talks about rejoicing in the midst of suffering you’ll notice that the focus is always on God. As it should be. You’ll notice how the joy being spoken of in those verses doesn’t come from your own effort or the things YOU do but the knowledge of who God is in the midst of your suffering and the hope that you have in Him. It’s not something you have to work at, it’s just trust and faith)

I know that the intention behind this idea of “suffering perfectly” isn’t necessarily bad but the idea that happiness and joyfulness of spirit are the only way to represent God well, is a false expectation and an illusion. A false expectation created by the lie of perfectionism. An illusion informed by man’s limited understanding of our intimacy with God. God never said I only want you on your good days, He never said that suffering was sinful. Instead, He pointed us to the place where our help will come from in the midst of our suffering and told us that He would be our refuge and strength. I know that we all want to reflect God to the best of our abilities and represent Him to the people around us as best we can (even in our suffering) but if we’re not careful we will end up sending a message about who God is and what He expects from His people that is completely inaccurate.

I once read a quote (I have no idea who said it) that stated, “Church is not a museum for good people. It is a hospital for the broken.” People on the outside looking in, the people you’re trying to share you’re light with, aren’t going to see the hospital they need and the potential for healing and restoration and hope, if all you ever show them is a statue of a shiny happy person who gives off the impression that their life is perfect and “peachy keen” even when it’s not. Real strength is not feigned ignorance or avoidance, it’s not masked pain. Real strength is being able to admit weakness and express need for God. The people who need God the most, need the kind of God that reaches for the messy broken imperfect person that they are, not the one who makes happy shiny robots. They need to see your need for God and your faith in Him in the midst of that need, which only happens when you are open and transparent and honest with yourself and with others. The Bible says that God comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others with the same comfort He has given us. Notice that the first part of that process is receiving, it’s God comforting you. You can’t give out of what you don’t have. So if you really want to honor God and be a light in the darkness, first you need to be receptive to God coming into your darkness and lighting it up. You need to let God be your savior before you can help save someone else. You need to allow God to pour Himself out into your life and then, when the time comes, you can pour yourself out for others.

And to that point, you need to know that your walk with the Lord isn’t just some publicity stunt, it’s a personal and intimate relationship. Your walk with the Lord isn’t just about what you can do for Him and for others but also what He does and has already done for you. That means sometimes people aren’t going to see what God does for you (the peace, the joy, the rest) on the outside. Sometimes you'll be dancing in your prison cell and no one will notice, no one will take account. More often than not, your miracle will be in private, your healing will be quiet. And that’s because sometimes it's not about you showing up for other people so they can see the God in you, it's about God showing up for you because He loves you and you’re in pain and He wants to be there for you. Sometimes when God does things for you He does it JUST FOR YOU. So it’s okay for you to rest in your creator.

It’s okay to let the world fade to the background and focus on your loving father as He restores what the enemy has stolen.

It’s okay to cry.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay for you to come to church and just sit and listen, there’s no place on this earth that God would rather you be (especially when you’re in pain) then in His presence, surrounded by His loved ones, hearing His voice.

It’s okay to stay awhile in that secret space where it’s just you and God and nothing else.

You’re not failing Him.

You’re not failing to be a light or failing to give glory where glory is due.

Trust me God will get His glory, He doesn’t need you for that. And one day, the people who need to hear your story will hear it but it’s okay if right now, you just need to be still and lean on God.

It’s okay to take a step back and listen as God whispers words of love and affection to your heart as you are battling whatever it is you’re battling.

The relationship you have with God is not transactional meaning: it’s not a “you do something for me and then I’ll do something for you” kind of deal.

It’s unconditional love and immeasurable grace and peace that surpasses all understanding.

It requires nothing of you but acceptance.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”