Marriage and Marvel Comics

"What if marriage wasn't meant to make us happy but holy?" - Gary Thomas

Man, that's such a loaded question isn't it? It takes the selfish agendas and desires right out of the equation and forces us to recognize that there's a greater plan at work. A far greater plan, deeper and more meaningful than anything we could plan for our ourselves in our limited understanding. The idea that marriage has a purpose beyond mere happiness creates this stark contrast between the possibilities inherent within a godly marriage and the limitations of the broken, surface-level ideas the world has regarding what marriage means and what it should look like.

I think I was in my late teens/early twenties when God really started to form this concept in my mind. The concept that marriage was a calling not just a pleasurable routine-stop on the way to adulthood.

"Marriage is a calling, not just a pleasurable routine stop on the way to adulthood." - A Glass Kingdom, Marriage & Marvel Comics

In that season of my life, God really began to break down my self-centered ideas about what marriage is and what I wanted from it and started to open my eyes to the truth that it really wasn't about me in the first place.

In fact, anyone who's married could probably tell you that your selfishness has no place in a marriage because marriage is all sacrifice and compromise and servanthood. It's a practice in humility and an exercise in patience and in grace.

And while marriage has the power to support you and lift you up in ways no other human interaction can, it also has the capacity to break you in ways no other human interaction can. Due to the simple fact that the people we love the most, are the ones with the greatest capacity and opportunity to hurt us the most.

As I look at the statistics for divorce and children of divorced parents and I see the damage and pain caused by these broken covenants, I can't help but wonder... if marriage was just about being happy and finding someone who makes you happy why do they keep failing? If the purpose of marriage was just pleasurable and comfortable, why doesn't it work when people go into it seeking those things from their partnership? If it's just about love and affection, why is the love sometimes not enough? And what's the point, if it's not about me or you and what makes us happy, what's the point of marriage?

Which leads us back to our quote of the day, "What if marriage isn't meant to make us happy but holy."

It actually makes so much sense when you think about it. As human beings our relationship with God should be at the forefront of everything we do, right? Because we were created to love and be loved by Him. Everything else is secondary. When we are functioning as God created us to function, everything else falls directly under the umbrella of our relationship with God and that pursuit of His love and holiness. Marriage, especially. So, like everything else in life, our marriages are meant to draw us closer to God, through each other. Which sounds interesting enough, but what does that actually mean in practice? What does it mean for a marriage to have a godly purpose beyond the two individuals involved? What does it mean for a marriage to make us holy?

Just like we, as individual human beings, have a purpose given to us by God, independent of everyone else, so does marriage. Marriage is not only a calling in that, it's something you must be especially prepared for and equipped to do, but it also HAS a calling. Your marriage or future marriage has a reason for existing. Your partnership and union with your spouse has a purpose outside of your self-affirming ideas and agendas. There are things God has for you and your spouse to do TOGETHER that only you can accomplish TOGETHER. In the same way, you have a unique calling on your life that only you can do in the way God wants you to do it. No one else can do what you do, even with a similar gifting, even with a similar dream, because God has equipped you, especially, for His purposes, uniquely for His kingdom work. And it's the same thing for marriage.

I bet you're wondering where the title comes in, "Marriage and Marvel comics". Well, you see, I'm one of those people who need giant neon billboard signs dropped on my head in order for me to understand whatever it is God is trying to share with me. So, He often simplifies things for me in stories and visions that I can relate to and somewhat comprehend (because He's such a wonderful father).

Now, don't laugh because my nerd is showing.

Not too long ago, God and I were having a conversation about marriage, partnerships, the purpose of marriage and everything we just walked through in the previous paragraphs, when He brought to mind one of my favorite movie series, The Avengers

If you don't know who the Avengers are, you are forbidden from this blog.

Just kidding.

God started to explain to me that when He brings two people together in marriage, He never does so halfheartedly or without purpose. Everything He does and has ever done, screams with purpose so why would marriage be any different? He said that just like Captain America and Iron Man and The Hulk all have incredible power as individuals and have their own stories and purpose and missions in life, so do we and so do our spouses or future spouses. BUT when these superheroes come together and unite to form "The Avengers" they become an unstoppable force. Who have a mission and purpose they must work toward together, as they seek to defeat whatever evil force is trying to wreck the world. That's what marriage is, God bringing two incredible people who, individually, are instilled with great purpose, calling and gifts; two people who are wholeheartedly running their race in passionate pursuit of Him and uniting them to create an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. A team that launches each other forward and pushes each other towards greatness, into the mighty works of God. Marriage isn't about you or me, it's about God and the parts that are about you and me are just side effects of the wonderful work God does in marriage.

Do you know what else this comic book metaphor says about us? It says that we don't need someone else to be fulfilled or to accomplish our purpose in life, we are powerful and equipped by God all on our own (just like any of the aforementioned Marvel characters). BUT if God sees fit to partner you with someone else (and that's an "if" not a "when" because marriage isn't meant for everyone), it's not to take away from your purpose or your passions but to add to them and for you two to work together to accomplish what God sets before you both. It says that the last thing marriage is, is selfish because the primary thing that it is, is a force for the kingdom of God. A strategic move, a smart mashup of heroes that can complement each other and be strong where the other one is weak. And if all that purpose is instilled within the institution of marriage, if it's more about God than us, if it's more about drawing us closer to God than drawing us closer to each other, if it's more about what God wants to do in and through us and not what we want from each other then, Geez! It's so much more powerful than we thought and we should be taking marriage so much more seriously than we do right now. We need to understand it’s sacredness and treat God's gift of marriage with the utmost reverence and respect. We should enter into marriages with wisdom and preparation and only when commissioned by God because you know what happens to a marriage that hasn't been commissioned by God, with two people who don't understand the weight of their union or the responsibility they have? They kill each other's purpose. They stifle each other. They miss out on God's best for their lives.

God is the author of marriage, the definer of its terms, the upholder of its covenant and the source of its purpose. Happiness, companionship, comfort, love, pleasure, are all just side effects of that purpose and that covenant. It isn't something to be trifled with or altered at our whim. We don't get to tell the creator, how to rework His masterpiece to suit our politics or our culture. We are on the backend of the equation, merely, and always, discovering the truths and intention God already set in motion long ago. Which is why, when you try to replicate the wonderful side-effects of marriage, the pleasurable and beautiful carry-over of that union, not understanding their place of origin, not understanding their cause, you fail miserably and in fact, encounter their opposites. It's like trying to get the effects of what water does for the human body without consuming any actual water. Water is necessary for life and there's no way around it, there's no substitute for it. You can clear up your skin with medications, quench your thirst with coffee and syrupy beverages, you may even be able to keep yourself going for a little while but eventually, you'll die without water. You will suffer without hydration from the life-giving source your body needs. What little water and life you had in your body to begin with will be sucked dry as time goes on. That's what happens to marriages when people don't understand the real purpose and weight of the commitment they've just made, when they don't understand that divorce isn't just a legal separation but a ripping apart of two souls stitched together by the hands of God through the covenant of marriage. Death is what happens to marriages based in pleasure, mutual attraction, lust, even romance and love without purpose. Side effects without source, symptoms without cause. Because the primary purpose of marriage is not found in any of those things, its not found in the other person at all, it's found in Christ.

Marriage, like I mentioned earlier and like everything else in the created world, was originally designed and intended to draw you closer to God. It is a covenant between you, your spouse and God through which God reveals more of Himself to both of you. It is just another facet of God’s love for you fleshed out in humanity and it's only through His participation in that covenant that you are able to love one another truly and greatly. Frankly, there is no such thing as a successful marriage without God in the mix. You may be able to squeeze some happiness and goodness and love out of a marriage without God being at the center of it but it's only because marriage is a creation of God and He is still it's foundation and source whether you like it or not. God's goodness is inherent in the establishment of marriage because He is its originator. Even when you marry, completely oblivious to His existence you are still participating in something He established. So, essentially, you CAN have a good marriage, a happy marriage "without God" involved but again, that's in quotation marks because marriage isn't actually possible without God. Just like the lights in your office or your bedroom or your kitchen wouldn't be there if not for Benjamin Franklin. Whether you believe Benjamin Franklin existed or not, whether you give him credit or not, whether you acknowledge him every time you turn a light on, the light you experience is because of him and many others who worked hard to make that possible for you. In the same way, any goodness you experience in a marriage, truthfully, any goodness you experience in this life is because of God and because He loves you and He hasn't abandoned you. Whether you ever decide to acknowledge Him or not.

Circling back to the point, there is no such thing as a successful marriage without God in the mix because even the happiest marriage without purpose is a failure. I know that sounds really intense but we've already established that marriage is a calling and that it has purpose right? So, if every marriage has a distinct and unique God-given purpose that is so much more than mere happiness and so much more than companionship, then to not fulfill that purpose is a failure, is it not? I mean, think of it this way: if the Avengers got together, laughed, enjoyed each other's company and saved a couple cats from falling out of some trees, WHILE THE WORLD WAS ENDING, would you call that a success or a failure? I'd call it a lot of power and potential wasted. It's not that what The Avengers chose to do was necessarily wrong but in the same breath, it is wrong isn't it? Because their potential requires a greater measure of responsibility, "with great power comes great responsibility" (Thank you Uncle Ben). The Avengers have a responsibility because of who they are and how they were made, because they are instilled with such great power and abilities they are held accountable for the ways in which they use them or don’t. In this instance, they had something important to do and they failed to do it on a massive scale and it cost everyone everything.

It's easy to get comfortable in a marriage, to even become complacent about your purpose. Especially, when you're just trying to survive and maybe you're thinking to yourself, "what's wrong with comfortable?" "What's wrong with simply being happy?". From the world's perspective, nothing, but if you knew what God had planned for you, if you knew the purpose behind your union and the great things God had in store for you and your spouse, you wouldn't dare get comfortable because you'd know it would be a disservice to you both and you'd know the cost. Some people will never know the cost of their comfort until they come face to face with God and by then, it will be too late for them to do anything about it. I mean, just imagine you're standing before God on the other side of this life and with all the love in His eyes, He says, “I prepared someone to be strong where you are weak, I gave you someone to challenge you, push you, uplift you, remind you of my love for you. I gave you a partner, someone to encourage you and help you with the mission that I placed on your heart, someone who would walk with you through every high and every low and fight alongside you for the glory of my kingdom. I gave you the best person for the job, your compliment, an individual who is powerful and capable in their own right, someone who would see you as I see you and call forth the extraordinary I've placed inside of you. I paired you with the person that I knew would inspire your pursuit of me and my kingdom and my holiness, so what did you two do? What have you accomplished in my name together?

What a crime it would be if you're answer was "I'm sorry Lord, we just got comfortable" "We were happy though." What a crime that would be! Not because being happy is wrong, not because God doesn’t care about the love you shared but because it was a waste of potential and because it probably cost someone, the someone's life you would've changed had you risen to your potential, everything.

I know that I'm making this sound like a huge responsibility; making marriage out to be this huge and meaningful endeavor requiring effort and thought. If it sounds overwhelming, that's because it is. Marriage is without a doubt one of the most meaningful and difficult but incredibly significant journeys that anyone could embark on in this life. So, don’t be fooled by the notion that it doesn’t matter, that it’s just about finding someone who makes you laugh or makes you happy. Don't let the beautiful wedding or the Instagram couple pictures fool you, it's nowhere near perfect and how could it be when it's made up of two completely imperfect people. There's no happily ever after, just hard work. It's not the opportunity to have consistent exclusive sex, it's the privilege of loving someone mind, body and soul. It's loving someone as God has loved you, whether you feel like it or not, whether they deserve it or not. It's practicing the purity, faithfulness and gentleness that God calls us to embody, with another human's heart. It's pruning and sharpening as much as it is, tenderly pointing you to the one who has loved you from your very first breath. It is intimacy of the highest possible regard and within that intimacy, lies the greatest privilege of understanding God's character towards you on an entirely new level. It is not simply building a life with someone, it's building a deeper more intimate relationship with God together. There is so much more to the covenant of marriage than you and I can even comprehend, especially in light of our relationship with God. So, recognize that the marriage you dream about, the stuff that lasts a lifetime, isn't the sum of two people who love each other epically but two people who love God madly and passionately together.

The profound truth woven throughout the fabric of marriage often searched for yet, overlooked and the reason I wrote this blog post in the first place, is simply this: A marriage which calls you to holiness, is a marriage filled with happiness. For what greater happiness is there than to live with purpose and what greater purpose can be found in the life of a creation, than that purpose which is uniquely designed and bestowed upon it by its creator.