Do you ever feel disqualified?
Like you’re not good enough.
Maybe you did something or said something that made you feel like, “This time, I really messed up. There’s no fixing this one”.
Or maybe no matter what you say or do you always feel like it’s never enough because you always fall short. You always fall below your family’s expectations, below your own expectations, below God’s.
I feel like I almost always feel this way, disqualified that is. Sometimes I’m reminded by God or by loved ones of my capabilities, my potential and God’s blessing on my life and I think it will all be okay but somehow someway, I end up disqualifying myself yet again. I have nothing that the Lord hasn’t given to me and yet somehow I’m still not enough in my own eyes.
You know what disqualifies me the most, the thing that really makes me sick to my stomach with inadequacies? My sin.
It’s always after I sin, after I do the worst thing I could’ve possibly done or said something especially cruel that I know I’ve been disqualified.
- Disqualified from ever getting married to the one God has for me because he deserves so much better.
- Disqualified from God’s great calling on my life because He doesn’t want me anymore.
- Disqualified from healing, from blessing, from gracious interaction, from the presence of God, from the love of God, from God’s mercy, from the cross.
Just utterly and completely disqualified, and there’s no one to blame but myself. It’s like I forfeit, I opted out of everything God had for me when I chose to sin when I gave into the temptation, the anger, the lust. I forfeited all my dreams and all God’s plans. God, of course, is still capable of making sure His plans come to fruition, He is still God but why in the world would He use me to do it? Why in the ever-loving world would He want me after all that? Because He loves me?
If you really love someone, you don’t just let them walk down the wrong path over and over again. When you really love someone, you stand up for them even when they’re unwilling to stand up for themselves; you sometimes take a stand against them for them, even if it costs you everything…and for God it already did. So, how can I look at Him with expectations of faithfulness, mercy and grace when He literally has already done all of that?
I realize as I’m saying all of this it can come across as a lack of faith in God’s power. It can seem like I’m thinking it’s God’s fault the work isn’t complete because He didn’t do a good enough job but truly, that’s not the case. You see, it’s not that I don’t believe in God's capacity or even in His willingness. It's not that I don't believe in His love or His mercy or His grace, or in the power of those things I just listed but rather, I don’t believe in myself and I cannot understand why in the world He would believe in me. I mean why would He trust me when I can’t even trust myself? It’s like, I’m one of those clay watering jugs they used to use back in the day. You know what I’m talking about right? One of those giant brown clay pots with the handles on the side, that women used to carry on their shoulders and heads from the wells and rivers back to their homes. I’m one of those ancient jugs and I have all these cracks and holes and dents in me. It’s not that I don’t believe the water (just to clarify, this is metaphorical water symbolizing the grace, mercy, love and hope that God keeps pouring into me) is pure and holy and sufficient and life-giving and everything the Bible says it is, it’s that I don’t believe I’m a vessel capable of carrying that water. I don’t trust myself or the cracks laid into me to be a decent vessel, to carry and hold onto those things that He gives me. See, He keeps pouring all this wonderful mercy and grace and love into me only for it to burst right out of me whenever I’m put under pressure, whenever temptation arises. So why would He keep pouring into me such precious gifts, such privileges, such mercies? Why would He do that when it seems to not even make a difference in my life, when I go right back to the same old sins? Why? I don’t get it. It reminds me of that verse in Proverbs 26 about a dog returning to its own vomit (Gross, I know) in the same way a fool returns to his folly. That’s me, the dog and the fool and I just don’t understand why God would keep forgiving me and loving me if He knows it’s only a matter of time before I sin the same old sin once again. What does that accomplish for Him? Seems like a pretty awful one way street to me.
Maybe I’m just ranting here and you’ve actually never felt like this and you’re thinking “Who is this crazy chick?”. Maybe you’re even questioning my Christianity right about now but what I’m sharing with you today about “feeling disqualified” is a very real thing that I’ve struggled with in my life, something that has gotten in my way too many times to count. Something, I know, a lot of people deal with. These rantings you’re hearing are raw feelings and thoughts that “feeling disqualified” brings up. No, they don’t always make sense and no, they’re not usually based in sound theological thought because they’re fear based. Habitual sin will do that to you but it’s not the only area of your life that can stir up these kinds of thoughts. Your past can make you feel disqualified from the things God has for you, things like depression and anxiety can make you feel disqualified too. The enemy can even convince you that sickness and disease, things completely out of your control, are grounds for disqualification. I know because every single thing I just mentioned has disqualified me at some point in time or at least I thought it did. You see, what I’m learning now in this season of my life is that life with God is all about trust and I have major trust issues. Sometimes we hear the voice of disqualification and we think those fears and feelings of inadequacy are God putting us on notice that He's had it up to here. When really, it's our inability to reconcile our constant state of broken with God's constant state of holiness. Essentially, we are having a hard time trusting that God’s grace is actually sufficient for us. We're having a hard time trusting in God’s mercy and maybe even His love for us. And perhaps, the voice we keep hearing on repeat is just a representation of the fact that we don’t know how to believe that God could find something valuable and worthy inside of us, worth all of the sacrifice, grace and mercy He keeps giving us.
Now, I’m not going to act like I know anything about your relationship with God or your heart as I dive deeper into this topic so I won’t talk directly to you in this moment, instead I’ll talk to myself.
When it comes to feeling disqualified, when it comes to feeling inadequate, I am learning that I need to trust that God knows what He is doing as He pours Himself out for me and pours all of that mercy and grace back into my life over and over again. I need to trust that He knows me and the cracks in this vessel better than I do. Maybe that life giving “water” He’s been pouring into me has more than one purpose and maybe all this time while I’ve been trying to fix me, while I’ve been crying about how He’s pouring Himself out for nothing and He can’t fix me because I’m unfixable, the “water” has been doing just that. The grace and mercy and love He’s been pouring into me has slowly been mending the cracks, doing a work from the inside that I wasn’t even aware of. Maybe that’s why He keeps pouring it in, not just because He’s faithful and He’s good like that. Not just because He loves me and He wants to. Not just because He’s merciful but because He is utterly and absolutely faithful and He is everything I could ever need all at once. Perhaps, all of that life-giving “water” He’s been doling out accomplishes more than just righteousness/right-standing and peace. Maybe there's healing and deliverance in that water for me. Maybe, just maybe, His healing work isn’t as separated and distinct from His gracious work as I had originally thought. I always envisioned that when I asked for grace and mercy that that was all I got, like ordering something off of a menu. Why would the chef give me more then what I ordered, why would He give me the whole menu when I only ordered one thing? But maybe God doesn’t give just one part of Himself at a time but the whole completed work. Maybe when we ask God for something He gives us all we need, want and more because He sees us from beginning to end and He knows what needs to be accomplished in our lives before we do. So, perhaps, I need to trust that God is who He says He is and His will for my life will be done, not because I have to make it happen but because He chose me and I chose Him back and that is the perfect amount of enough.
Earlier I asked how I could look at God with expectations of faithfulness and mercy and grace when He has already shown me that mercy and grace too many times to count, the answer to that question is, because He told me to. He told me I could expect that grace and that faithfulness from Him because His grace and His faithfulness isn’t dependent on me returning the favor. His faithfulness isn’t contingent on my faithfulness whatsoever and His grace isn’t sufficient for me because I am sufficient, it’s unmerited favor, wholly undeserved in every way possible. God doesn’t love me because I love Him back, He loves me because that’s who He is and what He does best. He loved me even when I didn’t love Him back and that’s the completed work of the cross. The King of all Kings hung, bleeding out, dying for the sake of the people spitting in His face and shouting “Crucify Him! Crucify Him”. On that day, everything that could have or would have disqualified me was covered and stained forever by the blood of Jesus. I may be a broken vessel, cracked, leaking, in need of serious care but God is a potter and He knows exactly what I need when I need it. He knows that His mercy and grace will accomplish more for my habitual sinfulness than any anger or disappointment ever could. He knows that dry, cracked clay needs water in order to be softened and molded into something new. This walk with God that you and I are in is a process, it’s not perfection because we are not perfection. Thank God we serve a God who can squeeze so much life and purpose out of the process. Don’t ever allow anyone or anything past present or future to have more presence and power then the word of God over your life. I don’t care what it is that is trying to disqualify you or make you feel insecure and inadequate in your relationship with God, it doesn’t get to make that value assessment.
Breaking news: you’re a sinner, we are all sinners, we are all weak and in need of God and we suck at perfection. Best news ever, the forgiving, gracious work that qualified you for what God has for you, that healed you, that made you worthy enough to stand in the presence of God, was already completed a long long time ago and His name is Jesus. If you have Jesus, you are qualified and of the highest quality. That blood is enough for you and for everything you’ve ever said or done, will say or will do, forever. So, every time you come to God broken by your sinfulness, feeling low-down and dirty, feeling disqualified and feeling weak, expect Him to lift your chin up and hold you in His arms. Expect Him to be faithful even when you haven’t been because that’s who He is, and who He is will never change or alter. Expect Him to love you regardless of whether you deserve it or not and let that life-giving reality soften your heart and change your life because it’s the only thing that can. It’s the reality of a broken vessel in the hands of a merciful loving potter who will always keep pouring into you in endless supply. Filling you up to overflowing and restoring the parts of you that need His healing touch. Which, of course, is not permission to do as you please and call it justified, it’s the freedom to be covered in grace and live like you are covered in grace. The only reason you get to wait with faithful expectation is because this gift has been freely given to you. Don't abuse the blessing and don't get lost in the beauty of the gift, forsaking the giver. Trust in God's glorious purpose for your life, trust in the process and in His timing. And know that God is a big fan of not only restoring you but using that which tried to poke holes in you as a catalyst for your growth and His glory. What spoke disqualification over you, God is going to use to vindicate and propel you forward. The favor of the Lord is upon you righteous one!
Romans 5:1-11 "Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We have also obtained access through Him by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
For while we were still helpless, at the appointed moment, Christ died for the ungodly. For rarely will someone die for a just person—though for a good person perhaps someone might even dare to die. But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us! Much more then, since we have now been declared righteous by His blood, we will be saved through Him from wrath. For if, while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, then how much more, having been reconciled, will we be saved by His life! And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We have now received this reconciliation through Him."
Psalm 84:11 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless."
Comments